Not Here
by Scarlett Rogue
Summary: Cas wants to talk about what happened in Purgatory. Dean doesn't. Destiel.
1. Chapter 1

Summary: Cas wants to talk about what happened in Purgatory. Dean doesn't. Destiel.

Rated: T

Taken from my tumblr, someottersmarryhedgehogs. There were some pretty appropriate gifs to go along with it, alas, you only get the ficlet. Enjoy!

* * *

"Dean, about what happened in Purgatory-"

"We don't have to talk about that."

Dean turned his back on Cas, leaning against the sink for support. Sam was asleep in the other room, the small apartment he had been living in for several months completely dark. Cas walked forward silently.

"Are we supposed to act like it never happened?"

"Yeah, why the hell not?"

"I can't do that."

Dean turned around to face Cas and sucked in a deep breath.

"I can't… I can't be _that_, Cas. Not here."

"It was fine in Purgatory, but wrong here? Why, Dean?"

"Because I'm a hunter, dammit!" Dean slammed his fist on the counter, momentarily forgetting that Sam was asleep. "Hunters aren't supposed to be_that_! In Purgatory, we were just-"

"Ourselves," Cas cut in, stepping so close that mere inches stood between them. "We stayed true to ourselves and did what made us happy, as happy as we _could_ be in there. Doesn't your happiness matter anymore?"

"Not up here. I'm sorry, Cas."

Cas looked down at the floor for several seconds before he spun on his heel and headed for the door. Hand on the knob, he turned back to Dean slowly. His eyes were open to Dean, filled with sadness and anger…and heartbreak.

"No, _I'm_ sorry, Dean," he whispered, voice shaking. "You were my first. Glad to see it meant so much to you."

He was gone before Dean could even blink. Dean leaned back against the sink and let the tears fall from his eyes, knowing he'd screwed up again.

* * *

Even though it's short, I'd appreciate if you'd review. Pwease?


	2. Chapter 2

I'm gonna be completely honest, guys, I had no intention whatsoever of writing a second part to this fic. But I started thinking of another one-shot, then I saw all the reviews asking to make a second part and realized my new one-shot would fic nicely with this, so here you have it! There _MIGHT _(strong emphasis on might) be a third part, depending on my feels. For now, I'm leaving it at this. Hope you enjoy and review!

* * *

Sam woke up the next morning to find his brother gulping down what appeared to be his third beer. Two other cans sat next to him on the counter, empty. It wasn't even ten yet. Sam eyed him curiously but said nothing, grabbing some juice from the fridge and pouring himself a glass.

"Where'd Cas get to?" He asked, trying to start a conversation. Dean's scuff caused him to place the carton of juice down before his cup was filled and turn slowly.

"Care to elaborate?"

Dean shook his head and downed the rest of his beer. "I don't know, man. Somewhere."

"Somewhere?" Sam arched an eyebrow. "You know, considering you two just got out of _Purgatory_, I'd think you'd be a little more worried when he goes off on his own."

"Cas is Cas, okay? He's gonna...go and do his own shit. None of my business." Dean stalked over to the fridge and pulled out another beer. Before he could open it Sam had snatched it out of his hand.

"Sammy, what the-" The anger in Dean's eyes faded when he looked up and saw his little brother eyeing him with concern.

"Dean, you've gone through three beers and it's not even noon yet. You're acting like a heartless dick, and Cas is gone. I think we're passed coincidence now!" Sam place the beer gently on his counter as Dean's eyes slid to the floor. Sam's hand came down on Dean's shoulder. "Talk to me."

"I fucked up," Dean whispered. His head was down, faced away from Sam, but that didn't stop Sam from seeing the one tear fall down his cheek.

"What happened?" Sam kicked out the stool next to the center isle in the kitchen and pushed Dean in one of them as he took the one next to him. Dean hastily wiped the tears from his cheek and coughed awkwardly before looking up again.

"I said some things. Things I just..."

Sam waited patiently as Dean's eyes flicked to his hands. He didn't want to rush Dean or force him to say anything he didn't want to say. When Dean looked up again he looked bitter.

"I took something from him," he spat out angrily. "And then I wasn't even man enough to admit it. Or _accept_ it."

"What did you take?" Sam asked, confused.

"His, uh..." Dean scratched his forehead and sighed. "You don't know what it was like in there, Sammy. In Purgatory. Every dark corner, every shadow, every second of every day somethin' was after us. And we fought, Sammy. By God, we fought until there was nothin' left in us. Then we got tired and we had to rest. And we did. At least, I thought we did. Turns out only I did. Cas stayed up and stood guard without me knowing."

Sam desperately wanted to ask what this had to do with Cas leaving, but he held his tongue. He figured Dean would get to it eventually.

"I didn't like it," Dean continued, softer this time. "I told him... I told him if we slept really close together and something came for us, I'd hear it and wake up, which would wake him up. So we, y'know, slept together."

"You _slept_ together?" Sam smirked, expecting Dean to correct his assumption. To his surprise, Dean looked away. His cheeks were, oddly enough, turning pink.

"We had a few nights where we just cuddled, and then...I don't know what happened, Sammy. I don't even know how I let it happen." Sam had to strain to hear his voice now. Dean was looking off into the distance, probably bringing himself back to that moment in Purgatory. "One minute we were just holding each other, and the next, he was in my lap, and we were kissing each other like we never kissed before. And then shit went down."

Dean turned back to Sam and raised his eyebrows as if to say 'if you know what I mean'. Sam nodded quickly.

"So... You had sex with Cas?" Dean sucked in a breath and nodded, seeming ashamed. "Dean, there's nothing wrong with-"

"I know," Dean cut him off. "At least, I know that now. Wish I'd known it last night, though."

Without a word, Sam stood up and yanked the beer off the counter, bringing it back to his brother. Grateful, Dean chugged half the bottle in only a few seconds.

"So let me guess, you weren't too comfortable with the whole gay sex stuff last night and told Cas. He got really upset because you were his first, and he left. Am I missing anything?"

"Yeah," Dean cleared his throat loudly and placed the now-empty can on the table. "You missed the part where I broke his heart. And my own."

Sam sat up straighter, taken aback. "But I thought-"

"It wasn't some one-time, 'what-happens-in-Purgatory' shit, Sam. It wasn't just sex. It was _never_ just sex."

Sam sighed and ran his hand through his hair. Silence followed this announcement, bother brothers trying to find the words to say to somehow fix this mess, both thinking the same thing.

"Just say it, Sammy," Dean finally said. Sam took a deep breath.

"Well, Dean, you _really_ fucked this one up."

Dean chuckled humorlessly. Yeah, he knew he did. What he didn't know was how to fix it.

* * *

So in the course of writing this I've decided that I'm definitely writing a third part where they work out this mess, but it might take some time. I have this issue where, if I'm expected to write something, I can't do it. I write everything _but_ what I'm supposed to be writing. So I'm gonna let this go until I think of a good enough idea for chapter 3. I'd rather this took a while than write it quickly and give you guys shit. Thanks for reading, and Please review!


End file.
